Author’s note: Best read while listening to The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars, 2010)
Is there truly a meaning to anything we do?
Not philosophically—actually. Is there *any* reason to do anything?
Is there a reason we shouldn’t stay at home, never go outside, and welcome the laziness?
Is there truly any purpose to our actions, our effort? Is there any useful effect to writing this very piece?
Ponder those questions—or don’t. What’s the purpose of even pondering them, when you could be sleeping, watching television, or generally relaxing?
Would it be better to just lay in bed and “not do anything”?
Laziness Theory says: yes.
There’s no purpose to doing anything. We should all just lie in our beds, not care what’s happening on our phones, and just do—whatever.
So why subscribe to Lazinessism?
Why not? It’s better than trying to “find meaning in nature” or “unroll the world through logic.” It’s much easier to do nothing—to be lazy.
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The Ten Commandments
Don’t worry, this isn’t lovey-dovey Christianity or moralistic crap—this is peak Lazinessism. And don’t stress, they’re completely optional:
- 1. Don’t get up except to eat or defecate.
- 2. Masturbate at least once a month.
- 3. Never open a door—force someone else to do it.
- 4. Trauma-dump on Reddit under an alt at least once.
- 5. Try coding for a few days, get half-decent, then realize how crap being a dev is yet still have a homelab hosting a single 1kB webpage over unsecured http.
- 6. Own a massive Steam library you never play.
- 7. Watch an AI Vtuber at least once a month.
- 8. Never buy goods in person—exploit online services so someone else does it for you.
- 9. Fantasize about being in an Isekai with a harem.
- 10. Ignore anything you’re told to do if you disagree with it.
And thus, those are the commandments I pass down unto thee.
Laziness, a pinnacle. Our “Final frontier”
Why try to explore space? We’d never get anywhere in our lifetimes. Never see the universe, so why try? Stay at home, watch the sacred scroll of redo of healer and seek joy in others discomfort.
Why try, when our comfort, nutrition, and entertainment is all that truly matters.
There is no reason, so just be lazy, do nothing.
Hymns & Chants:
I shalt not cross my doorstep
I shalt not do this truly
I shalt not get up
I shall be lazy
I shall be crazy
I shall be reborn
I shall live this life to its emptiest
Hymn II: The Gospel of the Couch
Let the couch be my temple
Let the blanket be my shroud
Let the flicker of the TV
Be the only light I seek
I shall rise for no man
Nor mission, nor meal
For the DoorDash driver
Is my only prophet
And sleep is my holy wine.
Chant of the Sacred Snooze
Snooze once.
Snooze twice.
Snooze until the day is night.
Dreams are better than to-dos,
Wakefulness is just a ruse.
Let deadlines fade like distant storms,
Let comfort take its perfect form.
Hymn III: The Eternal Scroll
Oh infinite scroll, feed me thy void
Let dopamine drip like ancient oil
I shall not pause at reels or threads
For in you lies the lie of purpose
Give me cats, cringe, VTubers, memes
And let my soul rot in peace.
Chant of No-Return (To Inbox Zero)
I will not reply.
I will not respond.
Your email will perish in limbo.
Unread, unclicked, unbothered.
Notifications are mere suggestions—
And I do not take suggestions.
Hymn IV: The Holy Lag
Blessed be the buffering icon
For it gives me time to not care
Blessed be the lag
For it mirrors my spirit
Frozen, spinning,
Stuck between frames of ambition.
The Recliner Psalm
My chair knows my form
My chair knows my sins
It welcomes all posture
Crooked and slouched
May the lumbar support
Forever be optional
And the remote—within reach.
Chant of the Divine Disconnect
Turn the WiFi off, oh Lord
Not to meditate,
But to avoid Zoom
No meetings, no muting,
Just the hum of silence
And a screen with nothing left to load.
Date of writing: 2025-07-11